Never Ask For Counseling From A Computer
by Miri the Mentally Unstable
Summary: Various TP characters go and ask Eliza, an online computer, for help with their problems. Turns into some cursing (at least on Jon's part) and a bunch of meaningless, vapid dialogue (it's a computer, what do you expect?). Well, um. Yes. Read it now.
1. Jon Goes For Counseling

A/N: Hey y'all, I was bored and decided to write this fic. Before I start, let me review a bit. Eliza is an online computer. You ask her questions and the computer responds with its "brain". It's a REALLY stupid computer. You can find Eliza at http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza/eliza.html. Anyway, I actually typed Jon's questions in and these are Eliza's real answers. Basically the gist of this fic is Jon Goes For Counseling. I got the idea from a My Little Pony fic (No, I normally DO NOT read those, as I said, I'm bored right now). Well, R and R please.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?  
  
Jon: Hi, Eliza, I'm King Jonathan of Conte, Ruler of Tortall.  
  
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am king jonathan of conte ruler of tortall?  
  
Jon: Um, yes, I guess, considering I'm the king.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?  
  
Jon: Yes, I am. I came to ask you for advice.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Jon: Yes.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Jon: Look, can you help me with my problems?   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your problems?   
  
Jon: Because thats what they are. They're PROBLEMS. See, my girlfriend dumped me when we were in our early 20s. I guess that set all of them off. Then I rushed into my marriage...Can you help me?   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your girlfriend dumped you what we was in our early 20s you guess that set all of them off then you rushed into your marriage can I help you?   
  
Jon: Yes you can help me. Analyze my problems, please. Am I a bad king?   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your problems please are you a bad king?   
  
Jon: Because I'm afraid I'm a bad king.   
  
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?   
  
Jon: No.   
  
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Jon: Well I'd just like to know if I'm a good king or not ok?   
  
Eliza: Do you wish that im a good king or not ok?   
  
Jon: Yes. That's the whole point of being king.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Jon: Positive.  
  
Eliza: Please go on.  
  
Jon: Look, just answer my question!   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your question?   
  
Jon: Because I asked you a question, dumbass!   
  
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?   
  
Jon: How about I just sock you one right in the stupid little hard drive?   
  
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Jon: Right now, yes!!!   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Jon: YES!!!!!!!   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Jon: Oh, my gods.   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your gods?   
  
Jon: Because where I come from we have several gods.   
  
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?  
  
Jon: NO!!!!!!   
  
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Jon: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!!!! You're just a DUMBASS computer! I'm leaving this damn site!!   
  
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Jon: OH SHUT THE HELL UP!!!   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Jon: I WILL!! I'm LEAVING! *exits*   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
***  
  
  
Like I said, the computer's p-r-e-t-t-y stupido. R&R! 


	2. Kel Follows Jon's Lead (Unfortunately)

A/N: OMG!! Thanks for the reviews!! Wow! OK, here's Chapter Two starring Kel! I tried not to make her as dumbasstical (thanks, Lady Katrina! Love the word!) as Jon, though.   
  
***  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?   
  
Kel: Hi, Eliza, my name is Sir Keldadry of Mindelan.   
  
Eliza: I have told you before, I do not care about names.   
  
Kel: Um...I've never spoken to you before.   
  
Eliza: Oh, i before.   
  
Kel: Right...Well, anyway, I've come to ask for counseling. My king sent me. I have no idea how a computer is supposed to help me.   
  
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Kel: Because you are one.   
  
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?   
  
Kel: No. Can you help me with my problems?   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your problems?   
  
Kel: Because they are problems. I don't know which of my guy friends should be my boyfriend.   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your guy friends should be your boyfriend?   
  
Kel: No, no. ONE of my friends. ONE. Not all of them.   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your friends one not all of them?   
  
Kel: Maybe I should just tell you my problems.   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your problems?   
  
Kel: You said that already.   
  
Eliza: Oh, i said that already.   
  
Kel: Yes.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Kel: Positive.   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Kel: OK, I will. Cleon's my current B/F, but he's really sappy and getting kinda annoying. I had a crush on Neal a while ago, and most people want me to get with him, but he's Yuki's now. And Dom is very hot and I have a crush on him, but he flirts with everyone and I don't know if he likes me. Can you tell me which one I should pick?   
  
Eliza: Do you wish that he likes you can i tell you which one you should pick?   
  
Kel: What? Yeah...I guess...   
  
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Kel: Yes.   
  
Eliza: You are sure?  
  
Kel: You're getting kind of annoying. Can you just answer my question?   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your question?   
  
Kel: You know what? You're pretty stupid. WHY am I even asking for counseling from you anyway?   
  
Eliza: Oh, i anyway.   
  
Kel: I should have known that ANYTHING Dumbass Jon reccommended would be stupid.   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Kel: Yes, I can. How about this: You've been NO help whatsoever so goodbye! *exits*   
  
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
***  
  
As always, R&R. Oh, and I might not be updating for a while, as I know several people who will be after my blood if I don't update my outtakes. I'm working HARD on COM ones, never fear.  
  
~Miri 


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